Thoughts
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?