Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.