“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh