Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami