Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
The glory of fall.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]