I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.