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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Not today
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.