“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question