[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Just say no
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
ouch
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
This did not end as expected.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.