Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You Might Also Like
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
very niche meme I made
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.