Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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Swedish for common sense.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
something like this could probably happen to anyone
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
From my Mom
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
selena gomez
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>