[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Steam Forums
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”