I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
And that about sums it up.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.