One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
You got this…
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”