[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
You Might Also Like
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*