*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.