In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job