The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong