Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”