I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.