Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You Might Also Like
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.