[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??