[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.