Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?