You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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two people or more is called a problem
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are