I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
You Might Also Like
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Today’s Times
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
That 👊
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”