I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?