*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You Might Also Like
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
The photographer’s assistant
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”