‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.