i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
handsome & gretel
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related