Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.