My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The news in a nutshell.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?