For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
new year update: losing everything but weight
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find