Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The Weeknd is back
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!