PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot