We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse