I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.