‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same