my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My birth announcement for our third baby
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I wanna be friends with this person
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*