“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.