Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I learned about self care from watching my cat.