the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
You Might Also Like
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”