I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Basically.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.