I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.