“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3