What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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The little toadstool has spoken.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.