It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point