Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I had to Stop for this
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”