Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When does CPR become necrophilia?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.