Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Just me?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?